Questions of Why's and How's

The usual confused me is here again. I can't think of the first thing to do since I am always busy with matters that are...oh, not so important...but takes the most of my thoughts. Alright. It's really difficult to focus on things when your heart is on it but your mind is not.

Well, I have been working for my entries in this CPMA for several months now. I usually finish writing whenever I want to. Like, if I write tonight and I want to finish tomorrow, I will be able to. So yeah, I started writing with all the motivations that I needed and finished halfway of it already. But one day, I woke up and I don't want it anymore. I reread the pieces and totally disliked it. Thought of myself as a sandwich short of a picnic and may birds eat my brain! I erased all the files containing my pieces and really told myself to forget about it. Then the week after that, I regretted my move because I badly wanted to join CPMA again. 

I started writing. Oh yeah. With all the agitation. Ideas keep flowing and oh how I love this feeling! I can do everything. Got tired. Slept. When I woke up, first thing I did was to read all the wonderful pieces I created last night. And yeah, they were all terrible. What the freak is wrong with me? One moment, I think I have all the creativities in the world; one moment I think I am brainless. The confidence is leaving me but the usual competitive me says go on. And those people. I don't know why they always tell me to push! But baby it's hard when you think you are dumb enough to stop. 

And yeah, this motivator. This friend, who is more like my support system and someone who shared common passions beeped me one morning and said, "Dear, continue on the CPMA. Your works are really better than mine." I look up to that person so much that I even wanted to be like her. The fact that she is saying that to me makes me laugh. Laugh my heart out loud not because it's funny but because it's NOT believable. And I had the motivation again. Look, I am not saying that I need to be encouraged first or that I need good words to stimulate me. It's just that I really think I am so shallow. So shallow to the point of dumbness.

"Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy." It's always easy to say. Just easy to say.