After the Storm

So... I decided to do WHAT IS RIGHT. A wrong thing will always be wrong thing no matter how hard you try to make it right. Been through a lot lately. I am finished crying already. I went somewhere and stayed there until almost midnight to think... and well, to make decisions. Decisions I hope I will not regret. I have been bearing this dreadful weight for years and I can't let it go merely because it's my frailty and... it has been my life. 

I don't know where to start. I am doing all the best I can to be happy... to always smile... to always laugh (even when there is nothing funny), to always hide. And when people say I am a drama queen, I just let it pass. I just say "well, yeah, I'm a drama queen," or "not because I am making a fuss or ranting doesn't mean I am a drama queen," or well, depending on the mood, sometimes, I just don't respond at all. There are people who are unaware that they are helping me forget about things for what seems like split seconds, because after all the long hours of talks and conversations, I will be left there thinking. But I somehow thank that person who is staying up late with me, well to set my mind free. Not for long. But it helps. 

Flashing back gives a dispiriting feeling. The melancholia is unavoidable and yes, even if you make the hands, the arms, the eyes, the mouth, or the ears busy... the mind is there, sticking its image in the memories of what lies behind. Making yourself busy doesn't mean making the mind silent too. It is as ear-splitting as a cosmic explosive at its greatest extent. The moments of blankness will always be filled with the formation of objects created by the mind. 

I just hold on to the hope, that someday, in the end of the ride, there will be the paradise I have been waiting for. Where the lawns are green, full of colorful scented flowers, with the air touching my hair. I will just close my eyes and feel it there. Till it arrives. And if forever is there, I would like to sacrifice the NOW for that.