Two years ago, this was all I wanted. I made sure
everything went well as planned. Carefully, I made every pieces of the puzzle
fit the whole picture, so that in the end, I will have to look at it, and be
satisfied with the picture. The final outcome of my masterpiece. I made every
person be in the right place, at the right time. I made every inch of thing
have its place, its relevance. No one suspected the scheme. Truly, careful
planning makes everything cascade smoothly. I am that smart after all.
But am I really?
Am I really that smart when all I feel every night before
I sleep is regret? When all I feel every time I look at the future is fear and
sadness? I don’t believe that people’s
happiness depend on getting what they want or what they have been desiring.
There is always a thin line between getting what you want and contentment. We
are sometimes misled. We become happy when we are contented even if we don’t
get what we have always wanted. We also become happy when we get what we want.
However, that happiness is short-lived. That’s the kind of happiness you feel
when you watch the sunrise conveying the fact that there will be sunset at the
end of the day, or the other way around.
I was in a book store once. It was like a habit for me. I
like going to book shops, scanning random books, looking for an amusing plot. I
don’t intend to buy books sometimes. It’s just like, I just want to be drowned
with numerous stories at a time. I stumbled upon this book. It’s a story of a
girl in her twenties who has the time of her life. She has a number of friends,
a well-furnished apartment, a man he loves, and a career. Who would ask for more?
Until someone from the past came back and ruined everything. The question at
the end is if she is willing to give up everything she has for that someone in
the past, or if she is willing to give up the past to stay in the present,
which is all perfect, but will rustle her happiness.
I told myself then that that kind of circumstance is such
an easy one. You don’t ruin something that has been already built for someone
you have already forgotten, do you? Why would she bother thinking about it when
everything is already perfect? But I guess it’s easier said than done. It’s
true that we conclude about people easily though we are unaware of their story
or the reason why every move they made has been done. I guess it’s something
like that. I think it’s easy but not when I myself is in the situation.
I’ve always prided myself as a strong entity in a chaotic
world. I’ve always prided myself in predicting people’s responses and shrewdly
controlling them in my plots. I’ve always prided myself as a director of my own
film. I’ve always prided myself as an actress in it, where I could be the
antagonist, or the protagonist, or both, controlling the minds and retorts of
most people around me. I act as if everything is a movie scene and in the end,
it is the plot in my mind which will happen. I am the writer and I will be
putting the twists in the narration, which is an easy task.
But a real film and a reality of a real life story is
totally different. I had a talk with my fellow contributor in the university
newspaper and he made me aware of my tendencies of
writing my own life as if I can control things... because I can never write the
present. I can never write the future... but the past. A movie has its complete
story finished and I can shout ‘cut!’ whenever I am not satisfied with the
scene and I can’t do that in my own life. I don’t have the ability to plan the
future because I can’t take hold of things in my own hands.
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