When Odds and Chances Failed to be Favorable

I’ve been battling with myself lately, because even if I constantly remind myself not to get the life out of me, I still find myself wandering aimlessly on the streets of this city, walking slowly, with my mind blank, nostalgic of the places we have been. I used to tell myself in the past that heartaches are for shallow people who let their hearts occupy too much of their thoughts. But now, it’s either I’m wrong or I’m becoming shallow. Humans really have the tendency to underestimate the situation when they aren't the ones in the position. And so we dive into conclusions that are often underrated or exaggerated.  If people will just look me in the eyes every time I come face to face with them, they will know that my eyes are screaming for help.

Where will I begin? Do I even want to let my thoughts be heard?

I actually can’t bring myself up to write about that person because the truth is... I don’t want to talk about him any longer. But what can I do every time I look at the spaces of a blank paper, bitter feelings and terrible emotions are stirred in me like a whirlpool in a sea. So fast and so deep.

I wonder how I managed to stand up after he shared his good... or bad news to me. My heart sank. There was this burning sensation in my stomach like a twisting feeling. My chest wanted to explode; the drumbeats there seemed to be too violent and were punching me hard. My knees trembled like vibrations. I felt so weak and drained. My eyes seemed to be encountering a terrible hurricane which makes it wanna flow out; And my mind is whirling. I was looking at the computer monitor. My eyes blank; and even if force myself to think of something sweet, something happy, it falls back there... on his words, seemingly carved, or embossed, or etched, or whatever. It doesn't make any sense to me. It doesn't seem fair. Unfair enough.

But who am I to talk about fairness... when I was the one who didn't think about it at the first place? And when he said that I was unfair, it hit me like a slap on my face. It hurts to hear the exact words I have been dreading for so long.

But I have my reasons favorable for his part. Because when a supposedly friendly meeting turned out to be a flight in the forgotten feelings of the past, I prepared myself for my plots and my plans... the story that will end up with the things I want to see. It’s always hard to admit it to myself for I was constantly blocked by the thoughts of doing the right thing, not that he is a wrong thing, but because the situation calls for a halt... to give space for broken things to be fixed, and broken feelings to be mended first. How am I supposed to do that if he caught me off-guard? I shouldn't have allowed myself in the first place.

I know it is possible... we are possible. I told myself that I can control it; that I will have the strength to face whatever the risks there would be. And so, slowly but surely, I know I will be in the right track. But whatever happened to him while he is away... that, I don’t know. I honestly want to know what happened to him or how did his thoughts change its directions months after we parted ways. I have a feeling that I don’t want to know either even if my mind mandates me to ask. Bearing it... would be a question.

I wonder if we really both regret. The odds are not favoring me anymore. The chances? Not kind to me either. Who can I turn to? And that puts me back to the reality that there’s always a haven I can turn to... somewhere safe and will make me sound, which, I tried to escape. I have enough helpings of bitterness on my plate now and no matter how much I like him to taste the same bitterness, that's not gonna happen.

I crawled into the haven and looked at it with shame and resentment. Shame of all the thoughts and deeds of escape and deception that’s far from its knowledge, and resentment of myself because of my selfishness. But no matter how wretched I was, it still accepted me wholly... without any questions, just pure acceptance. I became so happy with the thoughts of eluding that I was blinded. I forgot to consider this haven’s happiness and forgot the fact that escaping it means draining it with the thing that makes it alive.

And I just want to stop hurting people.