When he said he was distracted all along because he is afraid that someone I know might pass and see us, I was actually about to tell him that he should expect that thing to happen because he initiated to be with me 'alone' at the first place. When he was making excuses about not listening, I was about to tell him that he won't be able to find someone if he is not a good listener. Because women, like Paul said, is a weaker vessel. They are sensitive. They need someone who will listen to whatever they are ranting...whatever concerns them. When he said he wants to stop because all his efforts will be wasted, I was about to tell him that those efforts are not wasted at all because, hey(!) I am not playing games here. I have also invested my feelings. When he said it's much better to stop at this point than waste a lot of time for something which will not happen, I was about to tell him that you 'have just' started and so we are just at the 'beginnings'. All these things are 'beginnings'. Beginnings - because I don't know him yet and he hasn't known me yet. We are still building memories for ourselves, building something that I know will be of value in the future. He hasn't known the best me yet because he came when I am at my worst. When he said he can't see any signs, I was about to tell him how hard it is for me to keep a person while suffering from my cycles of swings of emotions...because I am not stable. But there, he JUST wanted to say his ORDERS without letting me say what I have in mind.
And the signs, what signs does he pertain? I am sorry but I am not the kind of person who pathetically gives motives to a person. I am very expressive. He might not believe that but I am. It's just that I am in a phase of bottling up what I feel because I am in my 'downs'. That I need to fix myself and consider my feelings before letting it show. Because who am I to tell if I have something to show or not? Because maybe...I am really high-maintenance when it comes to feelings. The cultivation may be hard but it's always deep when it's done. But it's good that feelings were not that cultivated yet. And I am not sure of him yet. NOT SO FAST. Not yet. If you got the point.
Explanations? Shallow explanations were all I received. His ideas of being a man is too far from the ideas of a matured person, mentally and spiritually, and the latter matters more. But who am I to talk about maturity anyway? I know I don't have the right.
He was a bit sure of himself. Well, it makes me conclude that men, they are all conceited. Looking back makes me think of what I have thought before; because I actually thought that this time...because I was used to being happy with him around...this time...it will be that... it might be him. He said he's not like all of them. He said he is different. But I JUST thought. I was wrong. Obviously.
I tried to stand for 'his' page in my life. TRIED. Heh. Most people around me think I am foolish for letting him enter an episode in my story. Most people insult him, criticize him, examine him. Some even mentioned about my standards. I was hurt when they were asking about what happened to my standards... because it's not like I don't have standards. I just think that I don't have a right to set it and limit some people who will attempt to stay with me and slowly pick my shattered pieces on the floor. I tried saving him from the impression that he gives to most people. I was just always receiving the criticisms and just talked about how wonderful his personality is. That they should not look at what's outside of him. I tried telling them that despite his lack of some things, his inner self shines because he can handle me when I am a freak. He makes me smile when I am down. I tell all people that this person have the courage to stay at my worst. It just feels a bit uneasy because I gave him a chance even if all people were against it...were against him.And I never thought they were all RIGHT.
So now that some people there are waiting, will I just flip this page and move on to the next? Or will I keep on staring at this page savoring every details? I sometimes think that I should've jumped on his part before...that I should've just given this 20 percent of myself to others who deserve it more. And after what happened, some of them are making promises AGAIN AND AGAIN. However, now, I think those others will NOT LAST as well. I know...because I am difficult. Really difficult. And men think they could handle difficult girls if in fact, being in the situation will let them forget all their promises. And just like what my best friend say, a person who will be able to ride this trip with me is admirable.
It makes me smile though, to think that all these men just come and go, doing the same cycle of saying hi, sitting for a while, spoiling me, making promises, standing up, and going out of my life. I don't feel bad about it, really, because I AM NOT FINDING SOMEONE. I am just waiting for a person who will stay...who CAN stay. Because if someone stays and handle THIS mess (which is me), he will see me at my best. That's all. But I understand the fact that he won't be able to understand me probably because I AM FAR from people's understanding. I am not conventional. My ideas of romance are far from MEDIOCRE girls these men meet along the way.
So there. All efforts were in vain. We both just wasted time. Well, for me, no time has been wasted. I don't give a time for someone if someone doesn't matter because everyone knows I am so busy with my life, doing things that interest me, that help me relieve my daily pains. But for him, it was all wasted. That came from his mouth before. I should've believed myself when I heard him say that. For girls, it is an indication that we are not important.
After all, he can't stand by me because I am mentally ill. I know that fact and I just smiled because men...all of them, are just good at making promises but don't keep their words. They don't have the courage to do whatever they said. I should've listened to what my mind said. That he's a great pretender. I was right all along that I shouldn't have let him HAVE the CHANCE at the first place. He wasted it all because he can't stand me. He can't stand my extreme mood swings and if he can't stand me now, he won't be able to do so in the future. I admit that I wasn't at my best since the last few months. I am just waiting for my "ups" to come but he surrendered while I am still "down". And so I guess he can't wait for my "good" self to come. I don't know. Maybe he is in a hurry to have a relationship with someone and I AM NOT.
People talk about love not knowing the real meaning of it. He talked about love. He talked about starting to love me. He thought about loving me. He said it looking at my eyes when we parted but... there is a big BUT. Loving is not as easy as words. Love is not just a feeling. A book (Young People Ask) says it's not love when you need to pretend when you are with a person. You will see weaknesses, it's love when you accept those and still think of being with that person despite everything that she is. A full package of her worst and best aspects. It's when you see a person's mistakes and real attitudes but you still feel the need of being with that person. Before you say that you want to spend your whole life with a person, make sure you have seen the worst part of her.
Before all these things happened, he said nothing will ever change between us. He was pertaining to our friendship before this happened. I will hold on to those words. I don't want to change. I don't change towards everyone who 'pass' by me. I am still the person they knew before. After all, he will still be a dear friend. That fact is constant. I am still the person who sits here before he sat beside me and stayed for a while...that after all, when he looks back, I am still sitting here. The normal me in this chair.
Now and again, my alter ego is talking to me. Now and again the low-esteemed me started to say that no one will hardly ever stay with me. Nobody will be able to understand me and all those promises are not genuine. All those words are unreal. All those actions were fake. No one will ever stay because merely, I am a mess and I am a total wreck. And now, some people are starting to make promises again. And I think I will rest for a while...giving people chances when I should be fixing myself first. But will I ever be fixed? Or will I depend on the pills now and again? And when those drugs are over, I know everything will all be the same.
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