Another Page Flipped

It was...how should I say? I actually don't know what to think and what to say right now. Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I upset? Am I disappointed? I can't feel a thing because these days, I am not me. I am not myself. He didn't even let me say a word about how do I view the situation. I just see the situation objectively. Another chapter has passed. Another page... 

When he said he was distracted all along because he is afraid that someone I know might pass and see us, I was actually about to tell him that he should expect that thing to happen because he initiated to be with me 'alone' at the first place. When he was making excuses about not listening, I was about to tell him that he won't be able to find someone if he is not a good listener. Because women, like Paul said, is a weaker vessel. They are sensitive. They need someone who will listen to whatever they are ranting...whatever concerns them. When he said he wants to stop because all his efforts will be wasted, I was about to tell him that those efforts are not wasted at all because, hey(!) I am not playing games here. I have also invested my feelings. When he said it's much better to stop at this point than waste a lot of time for something which will not happen, I was about to tell him that you 'have just' started and so we are just at the 'beginnings'. All these things are 'beginnings'. Beginnings - because I don't know him yet and he hasn't known me yet. We are still building memories for ourselves, building something that I know will be of value in the future. He hasn't known the best me yet because he came when I am at my worst. When he said he can't see any signs, I was about to tell him how hard it is for me to keep a person while suffering from my cycles of swings of emotions...because I am not stable. But there, he JUST wanted to say his ORDERS without letting me say what I have in mind.

And the signs, what signs does he pertain? I am sorry but I am not the kind of person who pathetically gives motives to a person. I am very expressive. He might not believe that but I am. It's just that I am in a phase of bottling up what I feel because I am in my 'downs'. That I need to fix myself and consider my feelings before letting it show. Because who am I to tell if I have something to show or not? Because maybe...I am really high-maintenance when it comes to feelings. The cultivation may be hard but it's always deep when it's done. But it's good that feelings were not that cultivated yet. And I am not sure of him yet. NOT SO FAST. Not yet. If you got the point. 


Explanations? Shallow explanations were all I received. His ideas of being a man is too far from the ideas of a matured person, mentally and spiritually, and the latter matters more. But who am I to talk about maturity anyway? I know I don't have the right. 

He was a bit sure of himself. Well, it makes me conclude that men, they are all conceited. Looking back makes me think of what I have thought before; because I actually thought that this time...because I was used to being happy with him around...this time...it will be that... it might be him. He said he's not like all of them. He said he is different. But I JUST thought. I was wrong. Obviously. 

I tried to stand for 'his' page in my life. TRIED. Heh. Most people around me think I am foolish for letting him enter an episode in my story. Most people insult him, criticize him, examine him. Some even mentioned about my standards. I was hurt when they were asking about what happened to my standards... because it's not like I don't have standards. I just think that I don't have a right to set it and limit some people who will attempt to stay with me and slowly pick my shattered pieces on the floor. I tried saving him from the impression that he gives to most people. I was just always receiving the criticisms and just talked about how wonderful his personality is. That they should not look at what's outside of him. I tried telling them that despite his lack of some things, his inner self shines because he can handle me when I am a freak. He makes me smile when I am down. I tell all people that this person have the courage to stay at my worst. It just feels a bit uneasy because I gave him a chance even if all people were against it...were against him.And I never thought they were all RIGHT. 

So now that some people there are waiting, will I just flip this page and move on to the next? Or will I keep on staring at this page savoring every details? I sometimes think that I should've jumped on his part before...that I should've just given this 20 percent of myself to others who deserve it more. And after what happened, some of them are making promises AGAIN AND AGAIN. However, now, I think those others will NOT LAST as well. I know...because I am difficult. Really difficult. And men think they could handle difficult girls if in fact, being in the situation will let them forget all their promises. And just like what my best friend say, a person who will be able to ride this trip with me is admirable.

It makes me smile though, to think that all these men just come and go, doing the same cycle of saying hi, sitting for a while, spoiling me, making promises, standing up, and going out of my life. I don't feel bad about it, really, because I AM NOT FINDING SOMEONE. I am just waiting for a person who will stay...who CAN stay. Because if someone stays and handle THIS mess (which is me), he will see me at my best. That's all. But I understand the fact that he won't be able to understand me probably because I AM FAR from people's understanding. I am not conventional. My ideas of romance are far from MEDIOCRE girls these men meet along the way. 

So there. All efforts were in vain. We both just wasted time. Well, for me, no time has been wasted. I don't give a time for someone if someone doesn't matter because everyone knows I am so busy with my life, doing things that interest me, that help me relieve my daily pains. But for him, it was all wasted. That came from his mouth before. I should've believed myself when I heard him say that. For girls, it is an indication that we are not important. 

After all, he can't stand by me because I am mentally ill. I know that fact and I just smiled because men...all of them, are just good at making promises but don't keep their words. They don't have the courage to do whatever they said. I should've listened to what my mind said. That he's a great pretender. I was right all along that I shouldn't have let him HAVE the CHANCE at the first place. He wasted it all because he can't stand me. He can't stand my extreme mood swings and if he can't stand me now, he won't be able to do so in the future. I admit that I wasn't at my best since the last few months. I am just waiting for my "ups" to come but he surrendered while I am still "down". And so I guess he can't wait for my "good" self to come. I don't know. Maybe he is in a hurry to have a relationship with someone and I AM NOT.

People talk about love not knowing the real meaning of it. He talked about love. He talked about starting to love me. He thought about loving me. He said it looking at my eyes when we parted but... there is a big BUT. Loving is not as easy as words. Love is not just a feeling. A book (Young People Ask) says it's not love when you need to pretend when you are with a person. You will see weaknesses, it's love when you accept those and still think of being with that person despite everything that she is. A full package of her worst and best aspects. It's when you see a person's mistakes and real attitudes but you still feel the need of being with that person. Before you say that you want to spend your whole life with a person, make sure you have seen the worst part of her. 

Before all these things happened, he said nothing will ever change between us. He was pertaining to our friendship before this happened. I will hold on to those words. I don't want to change. I don't change towards everyone who 'pass' by me. I am still the person they knew before. After all, he will still be a dear friend. That fact is constant. I am still the person who sits here before he sat beside me and stayed for a while...that after all, when he looks back, I am still sitting here. The normal me in this chair. 

Now and again, my alter ego is talking to me. Now and again the low-esteemed me started to say that no one will hardly ever stay with me. Nobody will be able to understand me and all those promises are not genuine. All those words are unreal. All those actions were fake. No one will ever stay because merely, I am a mess and I am a total wreck. And now, some people are starting to make promises again. And I think I will rest for a while...giving people chances when I should be fixing myself first. But will I ever be fixed? Or will I depend on the pills now and again? And when those drugs are over, I know everything will all be the same. 

This Unfair Cycle Will Hurt You

"To burn with desire and be quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves. Because what’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?" All those things my favorite writers have said keeps on playing in my head for hours now because of a message. A simple... no, a very aching message I have received at 5:00 this morning.

For me, he was another episode. Another page to be flipped in this colorful book. I just didn't know how much impact I made upon him. How much memories did I bring and how much hurt did I inflict. That, I didn't know. Only until this morning when he told me about everything and I was shattered. Shattered because I know I can't reciprocate it. That his love, no matter how deep it is, will forever be his. Unreturned.

A note... a long note he stored on his phone for several months now, updated everyday, like a diary... revealed, clearly laid before me. And what should I do? "It's a lonely day again. It's been a week. Sigh..." he wrote. I am here so happy with my life while someone in another part of this world is "hopelessly trying to forget feelings for someone but fails to do so."

I wonder how it feels to not be loved in return. Once, I experienced it but hey, that was a very long time ago, when my definition of love was shallow  and my notions of relationships were half-baked and ignorant. I remember something from Sigmund Freud. He mentioned something about the nature of human of pursuing someone who doesn't like them in return. Why can't it be equal? Why can't everything be fair for someone who gives and someone who receives? Because, if you could love someone, and keep loving them, without being loved back . . . then that love had to be real. It hurt too much to be anything else.

I had discovered that there was something more painful than falling in love with someone who hasn't fallen for you; It's ignoring the person who TRULY loves you because you don't feel the same...hurting that person - hurting  him and not being able to do anything about it.

When the Night was Over

It was so tiring. Standing for more than four hours, introducing people, commenting on performances, laughing with the guests,  managing the program, doing a lot of adlibs (we didn't even talked about rehearsing or stuffs like that), talking about marriage and singing in the program finale and all those tiring stuffs. 

People were so happy. They were so busy doing their thing. I did mine. Smoothly. With my partner host. We did great (I just hope) but after it all, I felt so alone. I don't know why I felt so alone. I look at people and see their happy expressions. I can see smiles on their faces, their eyes sparkling with joy and elation. They congratulate the newly weds, they were dancing, taking photos, talking with each other, singing songs of felicity. And I was there all alone. Not that I don't have friends there around me, I actually have a lot of them there. Greeting me. Praising me for a job well done and for a performance, they said, which was pleasantly touching. I was smiling in return. In fact, I got tired of smiling. And I find myself mingling with  a lot of people but feeling like an island. 

The cameras were flashing their lights against me. I was posing for their satisfaction. I was smiling for their amusement. I was there to amuse. They were all looking at me because I was the manoeuvre.  It was like a job. Unpaid. I willingly did that for... well... a friend. A friend who touched my life once. And it was all over. 

There was not a pang of hurt or jealousy. There was just a feeling of... being knocked over? I don't know exactly but my pride is eating me. All I know is this is what I always feel whenever someone from my past becomes happy with someone else. I am so selfish and self-centered, I know. But at least I have the courage to really admit that in front of everyone. 

And when the night is over, I contemplated about the way we looked at each other. The way he smiled at me, with that longing expression on his face (or am I just assuming it). He smiled. I smiled. I looked away and then I looked back at him and he was still looking at me, five meters apart. He looked away and I looked down. I smiled. But I am not happy. 

And when the night was over, I contemplated about the way he said I am beautiful. That I am 'still' beautiful. That moment when I don't know if I will thank him or not; when I don't know if I will shake his hand or just slap his face; when his parents are thanking me (and the thought of them wanting me badly for him before); when his bride is thanking me... myself torn about kissing her or hugging her, or doing both while ruining her. The selfish me, pathetically thinking about things that don't matter anymore. About things that don't deserve to be thought of anymore. 

KAUNTI NA LANG

Kaunti na lang...

Sa unang liwanag ng umaga, kapag sumilip na ang araw sa likod ng bawat ulap
Kapag umihip na ang maitim na usok na iyong nalalanghap
Sa abalang kalsada; sa abalang istruktura ng mga naglalakihang gusali ng syudad
Sa bawat taong makakasalamuha
Na paminsan-minsa'y hahaplos sa buhay ng kagaya mong isang mahinang luwad

Saan na nga ba napunta ang mga salitang ipinangako mo sa iyong sarili nang
minsang nag-iisa ka
Sa gabi; matapos ang huli mong panalangin nang hindi namamalayang
malapit na palang mag-umaga
Nang minsan mong sabihing matatag ka sa bawat nilalang na magtatangka
Na kunin ka mula sa iyong sarili;
Ano na nga ba ang nangyari?
Sa natitira mong kaisipan; sa sinasabi ng mga taong taglay mong katalinuhan;
Nang minsan mo itong kalimutan sapagkat lahat ay walang katuturan;
Dahil ang totoo... wala kang natutunan

Kaunti na lang...

Sa bawat taong magpupumilit sa sumalba sa iyo...
Na paulit-ulit mong itinutulak palayo
Sa bawat taong magtatangkang alalayan ka hanggang bukas ay masilip mo
ang isang bagong umaga
Palayo sa mundong pilit mong itinatago
sa sarili mong kulungan ng mga bagay na lumalago
Upang lamunin ka;
Upang lamunin ka ng sarili mong takot na muli kang maging mahina
At mawala sa sarili mong tuntungang kaharian; kung saan ikaw ang bida;
Ikaw ang reyna; ikaw ang pinuno

Nang makuha mo ang mga bagay na iyo mismong may katalinuhang isinaplano
Ng mga bagay na ikaw mismo ang mag-gawa,
Ikaw mismo ang may-akda, ikaw mismo ang nagpasimula
Nang matapos mong paikutin ang mga bagay sa iyong kamay,
At paburan ka ng lahat ng pagkakataong iyo mismong inihanda
Para sa iyong sariling pakana
Ano nga ba ang naramdaman ng walang-awang parte ng sarili mo
Sa lahat ng mga bagay na ito?

Kaunti na lang...

Tatalikuran ka ng lahat ng iyong panaginip;
Sasampalin ka ng katotohanan hanggang magising ka
Sa isang lugar kung saan wala kang kakapitang pag-asa
Ikaw ang lumikha ng sarili mong libingan at hindi magtatagal,
Sa iyong kinatatayuan, ika'y matatanggal
At walang magbabalik upang damputin ka sa kumunoy na nilikha mo
para sa iyong sariling paglubog
At sa pagbalik ng buwan sa Kanluran,
Ikaw ay maiiwan
Kasama ng iyong pusong ikaw mismo ang dumurog

THE WAR BETWEEN THE MIND AND THE HEART

And then there's the image of his silhouette from the aperture; And then there's the
searing pain that burns in my chest; And then there's the tinnitus followed by
shortness of breath; And then there's this memory that doesn't speak.

The current flows continuously, it was a river of cold, liquid penumbra that holds me tightly. The friction of our silent battle was a sharp pang of distress that causes disorder. The vibrations are constantly tuning and was left behind in space and time like a nightmare that has to be forgotten.

I am careless. I am a miser of my own memories. I looked backward for a while,
I restored it, I rendered it and I couldn't bear to look forward anymore.
I was so embraced with the idea. It hanged around my neck like a noose that's trying to choke me.

I was so trapped with the thought and I realized that I have no power...
because the power to forget is a necessary condition for our existence.
And I am wishing that my life will fade behind me until it leaves a dwindling trail of
images until all I can remember is a name.

Emotions Get in the Way

It's difficult to make another step when the mud is hugging your feet. It's difficult to make another move if the chains are stopping your arms. Moving forward is always a challenging thing to do when there is always something that's holding you back. I sometimes think. Why can't I be happy with those around me? Why can't I open the door for some people who are reaching out? And I know the reason that lies behind. It is always THAT thing. And people say I have to be thankful for the things I have. I do. I mean... I am. 

After the Storm

So... I decided to do WHAT IS RIGHT. A wrong thing will always be wrong thing no matter how hard you try to make it right. Been through a lot lately. I am finished crying already. I went somewhere and stayed there until almost midnight to think... and well, to make decisions. Decisions I hope I will not regret. I have been bearing this dreadful weight for years and I can't let it go merely because it's my frailty and... it has been my life. 

I don't know where to start. I am doing all the best I can to be happy... to always smile... to always laugh (even when there is nothing funny), to always hide. And when people say I am a drama queen, I just let it pass. I just say "well, yeah, I'm a drama queen," or "not because I am making a fuss or ranting doesn't mean I am a drama queen," or well, depending on the mood, sometimes, I just don't respond at all. There are people who are unaware that they are helping me forget about things for what seems like split seconds, because after all the long hours of talks and conversations, I will be left there thinking. But I somehow thank that person who is staying up late with me, well to set my mind free. Not for long. But it helps. 

Flashing back gives a dispiriting feeling. The melancholia is unavoidable and yes, even if you make the hands, the arms, the eyes, the mouth, or the ears busy... the mind is there, sticking its image in the memories of what lies behind. Making yourself busy doesn't mean making the mind silent too. It is as ear-splitting as a cosmic explosive at its greatest extent. The moments of blankness will always be filled with the formation of objects created by the mind. 

I just hold on to the hope, that someday, in the end of the ride, there will be the paradise I have been waiting for. Where the lawns are green, full of colorful scented flowers, with the air touching my hair. I will just close my eyes and feel it there. Till it arrives. And if forever is there, I would like to sacrifice the NOW for that. 

Will Miss; Missing; Missed

The DC was a successful event. A lot of realizations hit me. I wasn't able to sleep for the previous nights after the convention and I contemplated about the things that I need to do... to correct. You see, I don't feel happy with my decisions in life for the past years. I think, the only right decision I made is when I went back to being an RP. I am actually anticipating the PSS now and some other priviledges out there to be offered. This is the only thing that makes me feel contented. Heh. Contentment. It's really hard to achieve, especially for a person like me who constantly changes choices and moods and decisions and all. But I guess, when we are constantly wishing for something, we overlook what we already have. 

Another thing. I was actually trying to forget that I will be doing a big part in his wedding. Yes, I was asked to host the party. That fact that it's him and it's her pains me a little. I was so engrossed with the idea that I won't be affected anymore but when I stumbled upon their pictures in FB, holding each other, there was an unexplainable feeling of being crushed. This is the first time I saw him smile like that. And his eyes look so happy. So maybe the happiness I witnessed before when he was with me wasn't true. Or maybe he was just pretending that he was happy for me not to think that he's not. Whatever it is, I don't have the right to meddle over his matters anymore. 

Yeah, well. Move on. I am actually happy these days. I started writing. Yes. At last. I am now working on a film project which agitates me a lot. Well, I can't explain what I exactly feel, how high my moods are right now and how elevated I feel because here I am again in my "ups". When a thing is really your passion, you will really feel happy despite the stress it gives you (coz time is really hard to manage). Without it, there will be no energy at all. And there's no life without energy. I am still in the first scenes though. Last night I met the production staff and the other writers for a storycon. And right now, I have this terrible feeling of being half hearted. Half hearted between giving them this piece for the film or writing it on my own for an entry in CPMA. What should I do? But since I am already here (and well I thank them for giving me the motivation to start), I need to go on. 

So there. I actually have a lot to say because I have lots of inspirations for my poems lately. Just can't have the urge to start writing that stuff this time. 

Please Don't Get Me Wrong

Maybe if my heart stops beating it won't hurt this much. And never will I have to answer again to anyone. Please don't get me wrong because I'll never let this go but I can't find the words to tell you. I don't want to be alone but now I feel like I don't know you. 

One day you'll get sick of saying that everything's alright and by then, I'm sure I'll be pretending just like I am tonight. Please don't get me wrong because I'll never let this go but I can't find the words to tell you. I don't want to be alone but now I feel like I don't know you. 

Suddenly felt the weight of these words.  

(Quoted from Paramore) 

Random Thought V

Why is it that "I love you" is always better when said at the first time? 

If That's How You Want Me to Answer, I'd Rather Not

A friendly (and unsolicited) advice friend:
If the guy loves you, he will wait for you no matter how long it'll take for you to give your sugary yes. Yes or no. There will also be a sugary "no". Capital N and capital O. Why are you pressured? Pressure is not supposed to happen right? Now is the right time to enjoy each other. Is he asking too much? Is it a pressure of giving a fast answer. Or is it the pressure of returning the favor. Then tell him to find another girl who will give him all the instants.

Instant boyfriends are not genuine boyfriends. They are not sincere and most of the times, these are the people who are so easy to move on. Moving on is not that easy for some people, yes, that's a given fact, but hey, there are some poeple out there who thinks that moving on is as easy as pie. It's like tasting another candy when the sweetness in the palate is gone.

If he is really sincere in liking you, he will really give you time to realize his worth. Not FORCE it to you. Forcing a person's worth is temporary. You will feel it at first and it'll be gone tomorrow when you wake up. And you said he's asking you about how's the progress going on lately? Can't he wait and just observe until you feel his impacts towards you? Uh. Boys. They think all girls are easy. They think relationships are simple.

Questions of Why's and How's

The usual confused me is here again. I can't think of the first thing to do since I am always busy with matters that are...oh, not so important...but takes the most of my thoughts. Alright. It's really difficult to focus on things when your heart is on it but your mind is not.

Well, I have been working for my entries in this CPMA for several months now. I usually finish writing whenever I want to. Like, if I write tonight and I want to finish tomorrow, I will be able to. So yeah, I started writing with all the motivations that I needed and finished halfway of it already. But one day, I woke up and I don't want it anymore. I reread the pieces and totally disliked it. Thought of myself as a sandwich short of a picnic and may birds eat my brain! I erased all the files containing my pieces and really told myself to forget about it. Then the week after that, I regretted my move because I badly wanted to join CPMA again. 

I started writing. Oh yeah. With all the agitation. Ideas keep flowing and oh how I love this feeling! I can do everything. Got tired. Slept. When I woke up, first thing I did was to read all the wonderful pieces I created last night. And yeah, they were all terrible. What the freak is wrong with me? One moment, I think I have all the creativities in the world; one moment I think I am brainless. The confidence is leaving me but the usual competitive me says go on. And those people. I don't know why they always tell me to push! But baby it's hard when you think you are dumb enough to stop. 

And yeah, this motivator. This friend, who is more like my support system and someone who shared common passions beeped me one morning and said, "Dear, continue on the CPMA. Your works are really better than mine." I look up to that person so much that I even wanted to be like her. The fact that she is saying that to me makes me laugh. Laugh my heart out loud not because it's funny but because it's NOT believable. And I had the motivation again. Look, I am not saying that I need to be encouraged first or that I need good words to stimulate me. It's just that I really think I am so shallow. So shallow to the point of dumbness.

"Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy." It's always easy to say. Just easy to say.

If This is Your Move in the Game, I Might Loose

It's very funny to think that when you start avoiding a person, he draws near to you; and when you start to draw near the person, that person avoids you. Alright. I got the point. Maybe it's some sort of revenge to the things inflicted but it has effects. Which are surprising. Psychology can explain. But even psychology can't have a solution to let people stop doing the things they want to do; or stop feeling the things they want to feel. 

Feelings are not  logical. Rationalizing our emotions is not the answer to the hurt we might feel or the hurt we might administer to others. It is just funny how things turn the other way around. You know. When you start to do things and the other withdraws from you because it's either you are so tiring or the person has already reached his limits. 

And do I even make sense? I always live in the concept that I am always the best player so it is amazing how your turns are astonishing me. So go on and contend with me. 

The Answer to the Question You Asked