Some Surprises are Not So Sweet

I remember what Samuel Johnson said about surprises. He said that our brightest blazes of gladness are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks. I had been bored these days because of everyday routines of work-home life. But this week, a friend, whom I have known since... hmm, can't remember, asked me to meet him. I agreed since I don't really have anything to do that day and by the virtue of the fact that he is really fun to be with (with all our laughing and tripping and all). We met and talked, yes, and the usual awkwardness between us are still there. I somehow managed since I am really used to talking with him since we were going out even before (with friends or with a friend). This time, however, he is alone.

That day was followed with calls and constant text messages of greetings. I have this feeling that he is making some efforts that are not usual to friends lately but since it's not my attitude to assume, I let him do his thing. One day, he asked for an advice. He said he's liking this girl but he can't tell her he likes her and the usual bla bla bla. At last, I thought, he likes a different person, not me.

I am always used to the feeling of being the "friend" in the love stories of the people around me. It is proven that I am an effective matchmaker and that I made two people fall in love with each other "five times". Yeah, five times already. I somehow think I have magical powers of playing with people's emotions and making them fall in love with the people I want for them. My friends, usually guys, ask me how to do this or that for a girl because maybe, they think I have all those wonderful notions in love and courtship. (Writing about men and women's nature doesn't make me a love guru, right?) So there. I thought...another friend seeking for advice and I am ready to give him the sincerest one.

So, one night he fetched me from work. He said he's supposed to say something. I felt that something is not right there. The assuming narcissistic part of myself says this guy is going to confess something to me but it is always overpowered by the inferior side of me. After that night, it's different. I somehow think that maybe this guy is fabricating a story about a girl he likes because that girl is me. Old cliches. Old ploys.

Then the next morning he said it's me. He said he wants to pursue me and some mediocre things that a guy says when he is starting to woo a girl and make some advances. Well "how ridiculous and how strange to be surprised at anything which happens in life." This is supposed to be a normal thing right? But this is a bit surprising. And a bit disappointing. Mixed emotions.

An article I once read says it's really impossible for two opposite sexes to stay friends with each other. I am starting to think it's true despite some experiences that are against it. But yeah, now I have this confusion and this growing feeling of regret that I should've allowed our meet-up that day. Maybe this didn't happen. I don't know. I just don't like the feeling of being the potential cause of melancholy. I can never accept all my friends into a deeper kind of thing, right? But I can never hurt their feelings too. I may know how to reject a person but rejecting a love offered by a friend is so freaking hard. Besides, this guy friend is so dear to me.

I once heard a guy said. "I wish I was a woman, " and I said, "why?". He answered "so I would know how good it feels like to reject a man." Heh. Those guys. They think it's easy for girls to repudiate a person. It hurts to be turned down. Girls can also feel that. It's not easy. It's not and it will never be.

So is giving the person a chance the answer?

Random Thoughts IV

It's not getting the things that we want which hurts the most. 

Gender Roles?

This society favors society-made-gender-roles than self expression. That's what's unfair. Us girls can't express ourselves because we are being fooled by this world's mundane laws that women have to keep their feelings towards men.

Women are not robots. Women have eyes, ears, hands, mouths, brains, and hearts. We have feelings. And yet when women use those things to express ourselves, we get judged and labeled as shallow, stupid, cheap, easy-to-get, flirtatious, desperate, and some other euphemisms used for prejudice. It sucks. It's unfair.

If I like a man, I'd rather keep my feelings that tell him I like him. Why? Because that same man has prejudice against women too. I remember breaking the rule once. I did tell someone about my feelings for him and got rejected. It's okay to be rejected, yes. But if the rejection is because I am a woman and I was the 'first' one to express my admiration, it's not fair enough.

Men are the head of the women. That's a fact. But is that enough for us to be limited by this society to express our emotions? Being subjective to men doesn't limit us from saying what we feel or doing what we want. These men should realize that women have their rights too.

Really Good Mornings

I always thought that coffee and doughnuts is the best pair for breakfast. I am not a fan of sandwiches and burgers but this morning, my mom prepared a sandwich for me. Nothing so special. It's just a simple ham, lettuce, cucumber, tomato, mayo, and ketchup but indeed, it was the best breakfast I ever had. I guess, there's nothing compared to the ones prepared by someone you love, and who loves you in return.

Random Thoughts III

Creativity strikes when you are mad, when you are happy, when you are sad, when you are lonely, when you are terrified, when you are stressed, when you are nervous, when you are bored, when you're ablaze, when you are emotional, when you are agitated, when you are excited, when you are complacent, when you are jealous, or when you are in love.

So I guess we really are all creative. Those who believe they are not need to check what they feel and follow that thing that provokes it.

ON TIME

There is always a time for everything.
You can never tell, though, if it's the last or the beginning.
That's why we wander around as if we have plenty of it left.

BEHIND THE COMPLIMENTS

You said I am a leader but why can't I direct myself?
You said people are drawn to me but why can't I feel them?
You said I am good looking but why am I afraid of mirrors? 
You said I am attractive but why am I scaring people away?
You said I am impressive but why am I nameless?
You said I am loving and happy but why do I feel worthless?
You said I am creative but why do I feel useless?

You said I stand out but why do I feel invisible?
You said I am unique but why am I insignificant?
You said I have the confidence but why am I always afraid?
You said I am wonderful but why do I feel so rotten?
You said I am honest but why do I always pretend?
You said I am incomparable but why am I unimpressive?
You said I am refreshing but why am I always depressive?

You said It's hard to see someone for who they are on the inside
Because the world is totally different from the outside
And I say I know that we live in a world of make-believe
Because us people, like Eve, we deceive



(To: Robert Nolan Clark)

Random Thoughts II

Have you ever felt so sad because other people are happy?
Not because you are not happy for them but because your own happiness has left you long before you learned about the happiness of the people around you.

Have you ever felt so mad because other people are in love?
Not because you don't want them to be in love but because love itself has left you long before you learned about the love other people have for others around you.

People feel that way sometimes but it doesn't mean they are miserly, or bitter or antisocial. People feel that way sometimes because they can't help comparing themselves to others. And others will make them feel miserable while the others themselves are more miserable for posing an image of a happy life in this world full of pretense.

I guess, the difference between pretense and jealousy is in the amount of envy; the amount of our desire for something we can't have. Now prove me wrong.

The Truth Behind Rejection

Girls, after rejecting someone who were once crazy over them, seeing the person being crazy over somebody else, putting so much attention to someone new like the person did before, they get hurt. Not the hurt of jealousy but the hurt of pride.

Girls, they still think they are still better; prettier and smarter than the new one. They think the person is still bound by their charms; still weakened by their presence; melts by their stares; electrified by their touch; and lost with their words.

Girls, after proving the person is not afflicted like before, will be agonized. They will look at the person like a culprit in a murder; like a robber in a bank; like a dead ringer of a jester; like a worthless mud; like an antagonist in a plot.

Girls, I guess they want to be venerated forever. But that can never happen. Never.

Random Thoughts I

A person is not giving you a cold shoulder for no reason.
You might have hurt feelings or acted foolish enough to touch an ego.
Emotions are not felt without trigger points.
Every detail in words or actions affects the conclusions.
Most of the times, what we think is not actually what it is.