A Story of Dread

I never knew that the fear of aging is like the fear of dying. One day, I woke up and I am not 18  anymore. My 18th year was the most beautiful phase of my life. The time when I felt like I can control the world. Rule people. Who can stop me from doing what I want? Theater is my world; Literature is my room; Music is my euphoria; Boys are my Romeos; Friends are my bliss; Family is my solitude; The Bible is my guard; And I can have whatever I want.

But things were suddenly kaleidoscopic. Suddenly, the world is moving away as if someone's pulling it away from me. Suddenly, the world do not recognize me anymore. Suddenly, the people can't see me and I feel like I am not existing. I can't seem to bear the fact that despite being 24, I feel so old and useless. I feel like my decisions were decisions of a fourth grader, which always fails. And I feel like nothing ever happened in my life; that my existence is worthless.

The fear of aging, like the fear of dying, will kill a person. It kills your existence. It kills your presence. And one day, no one will remember me. No one will know who I was or what I have done in this life. And I will just be another lifeless clay.

THE MIDROAD

Aging. The withering stage of life
A busy avenue on a cracked cement
A new building with rusty railings
A car with a flat tire
An empty wallet
A stale bread
And I don't believe in afterlife

Aging. The bittering stage of growth
Behold teenagers with disgust
Watch lovers with hatred
Read romance with sickness
Regard beauty with hatefulness
See men with distaste
And admit reality with loath

CONSTRAINED

I want to be there
But I don't know where that is
I want to be that
But I don't know who that is
I want to do it
But I don't know what it is

Soar like an eagle
When all you are is a fly
Run like an ostritch
When all you have is a thigh
Laugh like a child
When all you can do is cry

Can I be a hundred person
in a single body
Can I have hundred thoughts
in a single mind
Life, oh life is so gloomy

BALLAD OF CONTEMPT

Problem with boys
They think of your being friendly as flirtatious
And interpret politeness as having
desires over them
They'll go easy on you
And you'll eventually be left with the reasoning
That they didn't like you at the first place
When in fact it's them who flirted first

FOR THE LOVE OF FIRST LOVE

I didn't agree when they told me
That first love will never set you free
That first love never dies
And first love are full of sighs
And you can never say your goodbyes
To the feelings that  once comprise

We met after years
I smiled, you smiled, your eyes are domineers
And after all these years
My agitation are like spears
In this crowded street of the town
In this busy avenue
Who would've thought I would still run into you

The impulse
Like the first time
When I was young and I was a mampara
Who follows you, made songs for you
Cursed you when you fell in love with a who
And it feels uneasy remembering the folly
You, the perfect statue

You left and I looked away
I stared at your back while you're walking
What if it is us this day
But I was just babbling
Because I know I am just in love
With the thinking that I was in love

And I still don't agree
That first love will never set you free
That first love never dies
Because one day I realized
That those are all lies

A BITTER BALLAD

One day you will see my worth
And will realize she's not the girl of your dreams
Coz I am the only one in this rare earth
Who have seen your extremes
I'm a doll, a madonna
And she's nothing compared to me
Nothing compared to me

You're with her, I know
But my photos will still haunt you
My arms are your leetch, my words will still reach
My memories will crawl inside you
And she will notice the regret in you

And don't you want it my dear
This pain you have brought me
When we slept that night
And in the morning you're gone
Without me knowing
Without me complaining

One day you will look back
And you will find yourself smiling for no reason
And that bottle of Jack will stir you
Going back to that sunny season
When we were happy and laughing
And living and loving
But suddenly it's jet black
And I'm not coming back

And don't you want it my dear
This pain you have brought me
When we slept that night
And in the morning you're gone
Without me knowing
Without me complaining

KAPALIT

Ano nga bang kapalit ng pagtanggi sa nadarama
Kamusta na ba?
May natira pa bang ala-ala?
Hindi kasi kita binigyan ng pagkakataon
Kaya eto ako ngayon, nabubuhay sa "noon"

Ano nga bang kapalit ng pagtingin sa mukha
Kung sa bawat nakikilala
Ikaw ang nakikita?
Hindi kasi kita binigyan ng pagkakataon
Kaya eto ako ngayon, nabubuhay sa "noon"

Hindi pa ba sapat ang paghingi ng pasensya
Inaamin ko, mali ako
Hindi ba pwedeng magbago
Ang minsang dumaan, dapat na bang kalimutan
Sa bawat paglisan palaging may maiiwan

Ano nga bang kapalit ng bawat pagtatagpo
Narito ka, pero hindi ka nag-iisa
Hawak mo ang kamay nia
Ano nga bang kapalit ng bawat pagtatago
Ng nararamdaman, ng nararamdaman

Hindi pa ba sapat ang paghingi ng pasensya
Inaamin ko, mali ako
Hindi ba pwedeng magbago
Ang minsang dumaan, dapat na bang kalimutan
Sa bawat paglisan palaging may maiiwan

Sa aking pagtalikod
Alam kong ika'y napagod
At hindi ko alam, hindi ko alam
Na ang nais mo lang ay sabihin ko na
Na ang nais mo lang ay bawiin kita

At hindi ko alam, hindi ko alam
Hindi ko alam...

SCAPEGOAT

Blame the chemicals!
Blame it for my indifference
The way I say I love you now but not love you tomorrow
The way I let you feel you are special but hold back after a minute
The way I touch you with desire but defy your responses with a gauntlet
'Cause I'm an impresario
I can dance, I can sing, I can act the way you want me to
I can kiss, I can love, I can hold you with fine virtu

Blame the chemicals!
Blame it for my pretenses
It's when I plan with you about the future but regret the fact that I did
It's when I look back with you on how we met but get nauseated 
It's when I demand your presence but turn cold or unreasonably stonewalled
'Cause I'm a Begonia
I can draw you close forever with my fascinating colors
But can quickly leave you behind not finding the answers

Blame the chemicals!
Blame it for my longing
Yearning your attention but finding it with someone else
Eager to be looked at, pursuing others, wanna be spoiled
Unexplicably happy with these actors
And just like them actors I'm the directress
I manipulate, I lie, I tell tales, I act, I perform in this nightdress
'Cause I am Dorothy
My words are contriving, smiles are deceiving,
Touches are scheming, stares are inviting,
And I rule my anarchy

THE DEADLOCKS OF LOVING

I will love you no matter how difficult it is to count the exact number of
the stars and how difficult it is to catch the Venus and the moon in the photographs

I will love you no matter how hard it is to memorize the periodic table of elements and
how hard it is to determine each chemical reactions;
When all the elements collide and loose a single atom;
When all are heated, or frozen, or combined all together

I will love you no matter how afraid I am with spiders;
When these crawling creatures enter my ears and let every hair in my body stands;
Or just have them still on the wall and I can hardly even move

I will love you no matter what incubus will visit me all night
Paralyzing my whole body, suffocating me until I die;
Seven times at night before I sleep; or is it just my hallucinations?

I will love you no matter how problematic it is to solve Math;
When the slope is not determined in a Cartesian plane;
When the triangles have the same sizes but have different measurements of angles;
Or when there are hundreds of polynomials to add;
Or basically just one plus one equals the two of us;
Us. The x and the y of the axis

I will love you even if people cannot determine if Jesus is god
or the son of God;
Or how laborious it is for them to understand the Bible;
Or how they curse Him for their problems and for how stupid they are
for not knowing Satan and his works;
Or how dumb they are for not knowing God's name.
Or for absorbing too much traditions in this world

I will love you no matter how many voices I hear;
Or how they tell me to kill myself and forget you and all the people I know;
Or how these drugs are not working;
Or how searing the pain of the blade is;
Or how the tight rope on my neck looses;
Or how the injections make a person rest for only a while

I will love you no matter how culture interferes with gender roles;
Or how a woman cannot pursue a man she loves because of this society

Because I will love you no matter how crazy I could get;
No matter how I wake up in the morning not feeling anything;
Not hating you, yet not loving you;  using you but not missing you;
Because sometimes, the brain doesn't know
What the heart really wants to show

KUNG SAKALI

Sayang,
Akala ko'y kaya kong patunayang
Hindi ako mahuhulog sayo
Ano nga bang nangyari sa atin at parang
Hindi ako makawala sa ala-alang
Minsan nating sinubukang
Itago. Itago...

Saan nga ba patungo ang mga ala-ala?
Saan nga ba dadamputin ang oras na inaksaya
Sa mga taong ginamit natin upang makalimot
Upang makalimot...

At kung sakali mang babalik ka pa
Aaminin kong mahal kita
At kung sakali mang hindi ka na lilisan
Ipapakita kong mahal kitang lubusan

Nang bago ka mag-paalam
Nagpasalamat ka sa mga oras na ating inilaan
Pero hindi mo ako nakitang nasaktan
Paano ko nga ba sasabihing
Hindi lang naman ako kaibigan?

At kung sakali mang babalik ka pa
Aaminin kong mahal kita
At kung sakali mang hindi ka na lilisan
Ipapakita kong mahal kitang lubusan

SULLEN

I'm freaking smart. I'm bloody clever. Because I did.
I did shut you out. You will never win. Because I'm cunning.
Counting the tablets. All seven of them.
Lined them up on a queue
Will this be enough?

Enough. When will everything be enough?
Is it when a daughter walks away from her mother after a heated fight?
Is it when a friend steals someone you love?
Is it when a partner cheats?
Is it when a son despises his father?
Is it the feeling of insecurity?
Is it when you are imprisoned by the things you hate doing?
Is it when you don't become what you want to be?
Is it when you don't have anything on the table?
Is it when you are totally ruined by your own thoughts?
Is it when someone important dies without you saying the things you want to say?

Thoughts. Ideas. I have lots of them. Rambling
So where will I start?
Write it all down like it needs to be written.
Find someone as sick and unsettled as I am and waste time speaking
This flight of notions.

EPISODE I

Blame the voices for being awake at this time of the night
Night. It's 2:30 in the morning. Sweet dreams to all.
Who cares what time is it?
The sun is still shining at the far side of the Earth
Earth. Isn't it where you want to be?

The darkness. As you lay.
As its loose tangible material touches your face
Your legs. Your body. It covers you. You close your eyes.
Are the voices still there?
Yes they are.
Voices. The voices love you.
They long for the neurons in your brain
They know you. You can't hide from their spying eyes
And in a proper timing they know when to tell you
To stop believing.

Believing. And believing you still do? Stop trusting moron.
I suppose you still don't learn your lessons.
Lessons. Lessons you refuse because you are guilty.
You are sinful.
When someone knows the truth and not do it, it's a sin.
You know about that. Don't you
But pleasuring yourself, yes, that's cardinal. 
You do it again. And again. And again.