The Fear of Loosing a Sense

I couldn't bring myself to write something until now. I realized, I just wanted to write something and remind myself that there are so many things that are out of my control and that everything will be fine in the end. If it's not fine, then it's not yet the end. 

I've been having a hard time digesting all the surprises life has given me. Last few months when I visited the hospital for my checkup, the doctor told me they are not sure if I will have my hearing back to normal again. Yes. I imagined the horrors of not hearing sounds normally again and the fear of wearing a hearing aid. I hate the thought. After having to go back there for several consecutive Mondays, I felt a gradual acceptance(?). Static sounds are constantly present and I feel so dumb sometimes because I have to see the person talking to fully understand. I had to lip read. I remember when my sister said something and I had to ask for it again and she gave me this face which seems to say "are you deaf or something?", rolled her eyes and say "nothing". And then I had to cry silently after turning my back. 

I decided to go on a trip for the holiday with my relatives. Went to Laguna, stayed some days there and then headed to Quezon. We had this expression in Hiligaynon which goes "pangabuhi sa uma" meaning 'farm life' and that is like what we had there. Just letting the time pass in the calmness of countrylife. Sometimes I can't help but wish that life would be this simple. I sometimes hate that my brain cells are working too much for I need to think about the things that I have to do when I get back in the city. 

My aunt suggested to go to a resort and treat the kids (and those who think like kids^^). We spent our afternoon there. The next day, we headed to the nearest beach, which didn't go so well because someone drowned, an old man, and it made me feel a bit dizzy. I went back to Manila that very day and arrived in our house just to pack my things because I need to have another check up in the morning, and a Pangasinan trip at night. My friends adjusted the travel time because I need to be on my checkup. The doctor told me not to be hard headed or I will loose my hearing. 

I didn't cry in the hospital anymore. I told myself that loosing one of my senses is not a big deal. I still have four. After all, I don't have a choice but to be positive. 

Human Nature

"Man is foolish enough to seek misery in the midst of happiness". I think I have read that in a short story, The Invisible Wound, but I have forgotten who the author is. No matter, who he is, he stirred a lot of images in my head... a lot of memories... a lot of times wasted and spent with persons who don't really matter in the end.

I wonder why human nature is like that. I mean, we always try to be contented with some things that we have, persons that we posses, and matters we feel like we own but, no matter how much we say that we are contented, we still end up looking at the far side of the road feeling empty, like we need something to fill that emptiness and with the hope of seeking that fulfillment, we end up making wrong decisions... which end up to imprisonment with the fallacy which us, ourselves happily created in the past and escape in the present.

ON ADVICES

It's their opinion because it's their experience.
They have a point because they have done experiencing.
They have said all those because they have done exploring.
You have your own voyage now.
It's your turn to explore and tell everyone what it's like out there.

When Odds and Chances Failed to be Favorable

I’ve been battling with myself lately, because even if I constantly remind myself not to get the life out of me, I still find myself wandering aimlessly on the streets of this city, walking slowly, with my mind blank, nostalgic of the places we have been. I used to tell myself in the past that heartaches are for shallow people who let their hearts occupy too much of their thoughts. But now, it’s either I’m wrong or I’m becoming shallow. Humans really have the tendency to underestimate the situation when they aren't the ones in the position. And so we dive into conclusions that are often underrated or exaggerated.  If people will just look me in the eyes every time I come face to face with them, they will know that my eyes are screaming for help.

Where will I begin? Do I even want to let my thoughts be heard?

I actually can’t bring myself up to write about that person because the truth is... I don’t want to talk about him any longer. But what can I do every time I look at the spaces of a blank paper, bitter feelings and terrible emotions are stirred in me like a whirlpool in a sea. So fast and so deep.

I wonder how I managed to stand up after he shared his good... or bad news to me. My heart sank. There was this burning sensation in my stomach like a twisting feeling. My chest wanted to explode; the drumbeats there seemed to be too violent and were punching me hard. My knees trembled like vibrations. I felt so weak and drained. My eyes seemed to be encountering a terrible hurricane which makes it wanna flow out; And my mind is whirling. I was looking at the computer monitor. My eyes blank; and even if force myself to think of something sweet, something happy, it falls back there... on his words, seemingly carved, or embossed, or etched, or whatever. It doesn't make any sense to me. It doesn't seem fair. Unfair enough.

But who am I to talk about fairness... when I was the one who didn't think about it at the first place? And when he said that I was unfair, it hit me like a slap on my face. It hurts to hear the exact words I have been dreading for so long.

But I have my reasons favorable for his part. Because when a supposedly friendly meeting turned out to be a flight in the forgotten feelings of the past, I prepared myself for my plots and my plans... the story that will end up with the things I want to see. It’s always hard to admit it to myself for I was constantly blocked by the thoughts of doing the right thing, not that he is a wrong thing, but because the situation calls for a halt... to give space for broken things to be fixed, and broken feelings to be mended first. How am I supposed to do that if he caught me off-guard? I shouldn't have allowed myself in the first place.

I know it is possible... we are possible. I told myself that I can control it; that I will have the strength to face whatever the risks there would be. And so, slowly but surely, I know I will be in the right track. But whatever happened to him while he is away... that, I don’t know. I honestly want to know what happened to him or how did his thoughts change its directions months after we parted ways. I have a feeling that I don’t want to know either even if my mind mandates me to ask. Bearing it... would be a question.

I wonder if we really both regret. The odds are not favoring me anymore. The chances? Not kind to me either. Who can I turn to? And that puts me back to the reality that there’s always a haven I can turn to... somewhere safe and will make me sound, which, I tried to escape. I have enough helpings of bitterness on my plate now and no matter how much I like him to taste the same bitterness, that's not gonna happen.

I crawled into the haven and looked at it with shame and resentment. Shame of all the thoughts and deeds of escape and deception that’s far from its knowledge, and resentment of myself because of my selfishness. But no matter how wretched I was, it still accepted me wholly... without any questions, just pure acceptance. I became so happy with the thoughts of eluding that I was blinded. I forgot to consider this haven’s happiness and forgot the fact that escaping it means draining it with the thing that makes it alive.

And I just want to stop hurting people. 

It's Not Always as Smooth as Clockwork

Two years ago, this was all I wanted. I made sure everything went well as planned. Carefully, I made every pieces of the puzzle fit the whole picture, so that in the end, I will have to look at it, and be satisfied with the picture. The final outcome of my masterpiece. I made every person be in the right place, at the right time. I made every inch of thing have its place, its relevance. No one suspected the scheme. Truly, careful planning makes everything cascade smoothly. I am that smart after all.

But am I really?

Am I really that smart when all I feel every night before I sleep is regret? When all I feel every time I look at the future is fear and sadness? I don’t believe that people’s happiness depend on getting what they want or what they have been desiring. There is always a thin line between getting what you want and contentment. We are sometimes misled. We become happy when we are contented even if we don’t get what we have always wanted. We also become happy when we get what we want. However, that happiness is short-lived. That’s the kind of happiness you feel when you watch the sunrise conveying the fact that there will be sunset at the end of the day, or the other way around.

I was in a book store once. It was like a habit for me. I like going to book shops, scanning random books, looking for an amusing plot. I don’t intend to buy books sometimes. It’s just like, I just want to be drowned with numerous stories at a time. I stumbled upon this book. It’s a story of a girl in her twenties who has the time of her life. She has a number of friends, a well-furnished apartment, a man he loves, and a career. Who would ask for more? Until someone from the past came back and ruined everything. The question at the end is if she is willing to give up everything she has for that someone in the past, or if she is willing to give up the past to stay in the present, which is all perfect, but will rustle her happiness.

I told myself then that that kind of circumstance is such an easy one. You don’t ruin something that has been already built for someone you have already forgotten, do you? Why would she bother thinking about it when everything is already perfect? But I guess it’s easier said than done. It’s true that we conclude about people easily though we are unaware of their story or the reason why every move they made has been done. I guess it’s something like that. I think it’s easy but not when I myself is in the situation.

I’ve always prided myself as a strong entity in a chaotic world. I’ve always prided myself in predicting people’s responses and shrewdly controlling them in my plots. I’ve always prided myself as a director of my own film. I’ve always prided myself as an actress in it, where I could be the antagonist, or the protagonist, or both, controlling the minds and retorts of most people around me. I act as if everything is a movie scene and in the end, it is the plot in my mind which will happen. I am the writer and I will be putting the twists in the narration, which is an easy task.

But a real film and a reality of a real life story is totally different. I had a talk with my fellow contributor in the university newspaper and he made me aware of my tendencies of writing my own life as if I can control things... because I can never write the present. I can never write the future... but the past. A movie has its complete story finished and I can shout ‘cut!’ whenever I am not satisfied with the scene and I can’t do that in my own life. I don’t have the ability to plan the future because I can’t take hold of things in my own hands.

So if it’s the case, should I just go with the flow where the current takes me? I wish it’s that easy and we don’t feel pains along the way. 

Will You Please Just Take Me Away?

I want to go somewhere far from the rambling sound of the trains and buses in the city; Somewhere far from being seen by people who constantly mind those who they come across with in a fast paced hour frowning in a scorching heat of the sun; A place where I can scream, and dance, and sing, and run, and play, and be mean, and be lazy, and be ugly, and be shabby, and be greedy, and laugh, and breathe until my lungs explode with so much happiness.

Somewhere far from people who stay because I'm this and I'm that; who leave because I'm like this and I'm like that. And I wish for that sanatorium to come and welcome me with its gifts of couch in the forest where trees will hide me, and bushes will lure me, flowers will hypnotize me, and trails will maraud me 'till I vanish out of sight to a wonderful world I will build with castles made of gold, and silver, and ice, and diamonds; And I will sleep; Sleep as long as I could with the warm breeze sweeping my face on a bed made of jasmine. And I will shut my eyes... and there'll be nothing but darkness, and blankness, but gladness.

The Dawn (Tulad ng Dati)

Went home early feeling excited to watch The Dawn's film. I waited a bit long coz Mom's watching a very old film of Fernando Poe and Susan Roces. So I ate dinner first. So yeah, when she finished, I started putting the USB and playing the video right away.

And I just fell in love with Ping Medina after his portrayal of Teddy Diaz in the film.
I really can't get over it. *brrrrrrrrrrr*

My sister has watched it first a day ago and she said it's indeed good. Oh yeah indeed it was. 

Anyway, as much as I wanted to do more reviews about it but I got to go. -_-