When Odds and Chances Failed to be Favorable

I’ve been battling with myself lately, because even if I constantly remind myself not to get the life out of me, I still find myself wandering aimlessly on the streets of this city, walking slowly, with my mind blank, nostalgic of the places we have been. I used to tell myself in the past that heartaches are for shallow people who let their hearts occupy too much of their thoughts. But now, it’s either I’m wrong or I’m becoming shallow. Humans really have the tendency to underestimate the situation when they aren't the ones in the position. And so we dive into conclusions that are often underrated or exaggerated.  If people will just look me in the eyes every time I come face to face with them, they will know that my eyes are screaming for help.

Where will I begin? Do I even want to let my thoughts be heard?

I actually can’t bring myself up to write about that person because the truth is... I don’t want to talk about him any longer. But what can I do every time I look at the spaces of a blank paper, bitter feelings and terrible emotions are stirred in me like a whirlpool in a sea. So fast and so deep.

I wonder how I managed to stand up after he shared his good... or bad news to me. My heart sank. There was this burning sensation in my stomach like a twisting feeling. My chest wanted to explode; the drumbeats there seemed to be too violent and were punching me hard. My knees trembled like vibrations. I felt so weak and drained. My eyes seemed to be encountering a terrible hurricane which makes it wanna flow out; And my mind is whirling. I was looking at the computer monitor. My eyes blank; and even if force myself to think of something sweet, something happy, it falls back there... on his words, seemingly carved, or embossed, or etched, or whatever. It doesn't make any sense to me. It doesn't seem fair. Unfair enough.

But who am I to talk about fairness... when I was the one who didn't think about it at the first place? And when he said that I was unfair, it hit me like a slap on my face. It hurts to hear the exact words I have been dreading for so long.

But I have my reasons favorable for his part. Because when a supposedly friendly meeting turned out to be a flight in the forgotten feelings of the past, I prepared myself for my plots and my plans... the story that will end up with the things I want to see. It’s always hard to admit it to myself for I was constantly blocked by the thoughts of doing the right thing, not that he is a wrong thing, but because the situation calls for a halt... to give space for broken things to be fixed, and broken feelings to be mended first. How am I supposed to do that if he caught me off-guard? I shouldn't have allowed myself in the first place.

I know it is possible... we are possible. I told myself that I can control it; that I will have the strength to face whatever the risks there would be. And so, slowly but surely, I know I will be in the right track. But whatever happened to him while he is away... that, I don’t know. I honestly want to know what happened to him or how did his thoughts change its directions months after we parted ways. I have a feeling that I don’t want to know either even if my mind mandates me to ask. Bearing it... would be a question.

I wonder if we really both regret. The odds are not favoring me anymore. The chances? Not kind to me either. Who can I turn to? And that puts me back to the reality that there’s always a haven I can turn to... somewhere safe and will make me sound, which, I tried to escape. I have enough helpings of bitterness on my plate now and no matter how much I like him to taste the same bitterness, that's not gonna happen.

I crawled into the haven and looked at it with shame and resentment. Shame of all the thoughts and deeds of escape and deception that’s far from its knowledge, and resentment of myself because of my selfishness. But no matter how wretched I was, it still accepted me wholly... without any questions, just pure acceptance. I became so happy with the thoughts of eluding that I was blinded. I forgot to consider this haven’s happiness and forgot the fact that escaping it means draining it with the thing that makes it alive.

And I just want to stop hurting people. 

It's Not Always as Smooth as Clockwork

Two years ago, this was all I wanted. I made sure everything went well as planned. Carefully, I made every pieces of the puzzle fit the whole picture, so that in the end, I will have to look at it, and be satisfied with the picture. The final outcome of my masterpiece. I made every person be in the right place, at the right time. I made every inch of thing have its place, its relevance. No one suspected the scheme. Truly, careful planning makes everything cascade smoothly. I am that smart after all.

But am I really?

Am I really that smart when all I feel every night before I sleep is regret? When all I feel every time I look at the future is fear and sadness? I don’t believe that people’s happiness depend on getting what they want or what they have been desiring. There is always a thin line between getting what you want and contentment. We are sometimes misled. We become happy when we are contented even if we don’t get what we have always wanted. We also become happy when we get what we want. However, that happiness is short-lived. That’s the kind of happiness you feel when you watch the sunrise conveying the fact that there will be sunset at the end of the day, or the other way around.

I was in a book store once. It was like a habit for me. I like going to book shops, scanning random books, looking for an amusing plot. I don’t intend to buy books sometimes. It’s just like, I just want to be drowned with numerous stories at a time. I stumbled upon this book. It’s a story of a girl in her twenties who has the time of her life. She has a number of friends, a well-furnished apartment, a man he loves, and a career. Who would ask for more? Until someone from the past came back and ruined everything. The question at the end is if she is willing to give up everything she has for that someone in the past, or if she is willing to give up the past to stay in the present, which is all perfect, but will rustle her happiness.

I told myself then that that kind of circumstance is such an easy one. You don’t ruin something that has been already built for someone you have already forgotten, do you? Why would she bother thinking about it when everything is already perfect? But I guess it’s easier said than done. It’s true that we conclude about people easily though we are unaware of their story or the reason why every move they made has been done. I guess it’s something like that. I think it’s easy but not when I myself is in the situation.

I’ve always prided myself as a strong entity in a chaotic world. I’ve always prided myself in predicting people’s responses and shrewdly controlling them in my plots. I’ve always prided myself as a director of my own film. I’ve always prided myself as an actress in it, where I could be the antagonist, or the protagonist, or both, controlling the minds and retorts of most people around me. I act as if everything is a movie scene and in the end, it is the plot in my mind which will happen. I am the writer and I will be putting the twists in the narration, which is an easy task.

But a real film and a reality of a real life story is totally different. I had a talk with my fellow contributor in the university newspaper and he made me aware of my tendencies of writing my own life as if I can control things... because I can never write the present. I can never write the future... but the past. A movie has its complete story finished and I can shout ‘cut!’ whenever I am not satisfied with the scene and I can’t do that in my own life. I don’t have the ability to plan the future because I can’t take hold of things in my own hands.

So if it’s the case, should I just go with the flow where the current takes me? I wish it’s that easy and we don’t feel pains along the way.