When Odds and Chances Failed to be Favorable

I’ve been battling with myself lately, because even if I constantly remind myself not to get the life out of me, I still find myself wandering aimlessly on the streets of this city, walking slowly, with my mind blank, nostalgic of the places we have been. I used to tell myself in the past that heartaches are for shallow people who let their hearts occupy too much of their thoughts. But now, it’s either I’m wrong or I’m becoming shallow. Humans really have the tendency to underestimate the situation when they aren't the ones in the position. And so we dive into conclusions that are often underrated or exaggerated.  If people will just look me in the eyes every time I come face to face with them, they will know that my eyes are screaming for help.

Where will I begin? Do I even want to let my thoughts be heard?

I actually can’t bring myself up to write about that person because the truth is... I don’t want to talk about him any longer. But what can I do every time I look at the spaces of a blank paper, bitter feelings and terrible emotions are stirred in me like a whirlpool in a sea. So fast and so deep.

I wonder how I managed to stand up after he shared his good... or bad news to me. My heart sank. There was this burning sensation in my stomach like a twisting feeling. My chest wanted to explode; the drumbeats there seemed to be too violent and were punching me hard. My knees trembled like vibrations. I felt so weak and drained. My eyes seemed to be encountering a terrible hurricane which makes it wanna flow out; And my mind is whirling. I was looking at the computer monitor. My eyes blank; and even if force myself to think of something sweet, something happy, it falls back there... on his words, seemingly carved, or embossed, or etched, or whatever. It doesn't make any sense to me. It doesn't seem fair. Unfair enough.

But who am I to talk about fairness... when I was the one who didn't think about it at the first place? And when he said that I was unfair, it hit me like a slap on my face. It hurts to hear the exact words I have been dreading for so long.

But I have my reasons favorable for his part. Because when a supposedly friendly meeting turned out to be a flight in the forgotten feelings of the past, I prepared myself for my plots and my plans... the story that will end up with the things I want to see. It’s always hard to admit it to myself for I was constantly blocked by the thoughts of doing the right thing, not that he is a wrong thing, but because the situation calls for a halt... to give space for broken things to be fixed, and broken feelings to be mended first. How am I supposed to do that if he caught me off-guard? I shouldn't have allowed myself in the first place.

I know it is possible... we are possible. I told myself that I can control it; that I will have the strength to face whatever the risks there would be. And so, slowly but surely, I know I will be in the right track. But whatever happened to him while he is away... that, I don’t know. I honestly want to know what happened to him or how did his thoughts change its directions months after we parted ways. I have a feeling that I don’t want to know either even if my mind mandates me to ask. Bearing it... would be a question.

I wonder if we really both regret. The odds are not favoring me anymore. The chances? Not kind to me either. Who can I turn to? And that puts me back to the reality that there’s always a haven I can turn to... somewhere safe and will make me sound, which, I tried to escape. I have enough helpings of bitterness on my plate now and no matter how much I like him to taste the same bitterness, that's not gonna happen.

I crawled into the haven and looked at it with shame and resentment. Shame of all the thoughts and deeds of escape and deception that’s far from its knowledge, and resentment of myself because of my selfishness. But no matter how wretched I was, it still accepted me wholly... without any questions, just pure acceptance. I became so happy with the thoughts of eluding that I was blinded. I forgot to consider this haven’s happiness and forgot the fact that escaping it means draining it with the thing that makes it alive.

And I just want to stop hurting people. 

It's Not Always as Smooth as Clockwork

Two years ago, this was all I wanted. I made sure everything went well as planned. Carefully, I made every pieces of the puzzle fit the whole picture, so that in the end, I will have to look at it, and be satisfied with the picture. The final outcome of my masterpiece. I made every person be in the right place, at the right time. I made every inch of thing have its place, its relevance. No one suspected the scheme. Truly, careful planning makes everything cascade smoothly. I am that smart after all.

But am I really?

Am I really that smart when all I feel every night before I sleep is regret? When all I feel every time I look at the future is fear and sadness? I don’t believe that people’s happiness depend on getting what they want or what they have been desiring. There is always a thin line between getting what you want and contentment. We are sometimes misled. We become happy when we are contented even if we don’t get what we have always wanted. We also become happy when we get what we want. However, that happiness is short-lived. That’s the kind of happiness you feel when you watch the sunrise conveying the fact that there will be sunset at the end of the day, or the other way around.

I was in a book store once. It was like a habit for me. I like going to book shops, scanning random books, looking for an amusing plot. I don’t intend to buy books sometimes. It’s just like, I just want to be drowned with numerous stories at a time. I stumbled upon this book. It’s a story of a girl in her twenties who has the time of her life. She has a number of friends, a well-furnished apartment, a man he loves, and a career. Who would ask for more? Until someone from the past came back and ruined everything. The question at the end is if she is willing to give up everything she has for that someone in the past, or if she is willing to give up the past to stay in the present, which is all perfect, but will rustle her happiness.

I told myself then that that kind of circumstance is such an easy one. You don’t ruin something that has been already built for someone you have already forgotten, do you? Why would she bother thinking about it when everything is already perfect? But I guess it’s easier said than done. It’s true that we conclude about people easily though we are unaware of their story or the reason why every move they made has been done. I guess it’s something like that. I think it’s easy but not when I myself is in the situation.

I’ve always prided myself as a strong entity in a chaotic world. I’ve always prided myself in predicting people’s responses and shrewdly controlling them in my plots. I’ve always prided myself as a director of my own film. I’ve always prided myself as an actress in it, where I could be the antagonist, or the protagonist, or both, controlling the minds and retorts of most people around me. I act as if everything is a movie scene and in the end, it is the plot in my mind which will happen. I am the writer and I will be putting the twists in the narration, which is an easy task.

But a real film and a reality of a real life story is totally different. I had a talk with my fellow contributor in the university newspaper and he made me aware of my tendencies of writing my own life as if I can control things... because I can never write the present. I can never write the future... but the past. A movie has its complete story finished and I can shout ‘cut!’ whenever I am not satisfied with the scene and I can’t do that in my own life. I don’t have the ability to plan the future because I can’t take hold of things in my own hands.

So if it’s the case, should I just go with the flow where the current takes me? I wish it’s that easy and we don’t feel pains along the way. 

Will You Please Just Take Me Away?

I want to go somewhere far from the rambling sound of the trains and buses in the city; Somewhere far from being seen by people who constantly mind those who they come across with in a fast paced hour frowning in a scorching heat of the sun; A place where I can scream, and dance, and sing, and run, and play, and be mean, and be lazy, and be ugly, and be shabby, and be greedy, and laugh, and breathe until my lungs explode with so much happiness.

Somewhere far from people who stay because I'm this and I'm that; who leave because I'm like this and I'm like that. And I wish for that sanatorium to come and welcome me with its gifts of couch in the forest where trees will hide me, and bushes will lure me, flowers will hypnotize me, and trails will maraud me 'till I vanish out of sight to a wonderful world I will build with castles made of gold, and silver, and ice, and diamonds; And I will sleep; Sleep as long as I could with the warm breeze sweeping my face on a bed made of jasmine. And I will shut my eyes... and there'll be nothing but darkness, and blankness, but gladness.

The Dawn (Tulad ng Dati)

Went home early feeling excited to watch The Dawn's film. I waited a bit long coz Mom's watching a very old film of Fernando Poe and Susan Roces. So I ate dinner first. So yeah, when she finished, I started putting the USB and playing the video right away.

And I just fell in love with Ping Medina after his portrayal of Teddy Diaz in the film.
I really can't get over it. *brrrrrrrrrrr*

My sister has watched it first a day ago and she said it's indeed good. Oh yeah indeed it was. 

Anyway, as much as I wanted to do more reviews about it but I got to go. -_-

Under the Stars In a Cold February

As we both look up the Orion,
In this big quiet place we build on our own
Where our worlds meet but thoughts all so scattered
Time seems like to drag us down but only the two of us mattered

Maybe chances collide and plan about us
Maybe it's not something so sudden when we both confess
Maybe I'll be at the end of the line in a full dress
Smiling... waiting for you with all my finesse

Two figures in my chest are fighting
The usual me and the me who want to stay with you waiting
For the hours to crawl
For us to break this wall

When I finally had the courage to embrace you
And when you embraced me back
And how badly I wanted to draw close to you
Until we fall asleep under the starry night
Where everything's black but we will never unpack

Reality woke us up and we were both so tired
Not saying anything but I know what you desired
Have you wired, and hold the chains, I would be
But you will be going out there in the world without me
On your own trying not to look back and be free
I know your questions and the answers you required
Because after all, it's still me you admired

But the world is so cruel
And we can never have the courage to break their rule
We are mired because they have us controlled
Our prisons, their world

A Song by Saosin

Everything was like a time-lapse video. It's been years, seven to be exact, and our paths, I never thought would cross again. I was indicisive whether to meet up or not because, after all, a person who once crossed your life and touched it will forever leave its mark. Whether good or bad, it will be there. His, is more like a good print. 

Seven years. Who would ever thought he will still have plans to see me after all those years? After all the mean acts I inflicted? After all the harsh words I have said? Who would ever think that loyalty still exist? Loyalty to a person whom you never had at the first place. 

The book shelves were high. I actually wanted to bury myself in those books and never appear in front of him but I didn't have any choice but to show up. And when he was actually facing me, I didn't feel a thing. I just felt as if my chest is gonna explode. Nothing but the drumbeats. And when he spoke, I did feel the nervousnesss in him too. 

He had a table reserved. The crews were greeting me by my nick. Yeah, even the crews called me "android" and when I sat, I asked him what has gotten into his mind and he said he just can't seem to bear our proximity now that he's in the country. I would be a liar if I say that I am not mesmerized by the way he looks now. He totally changed. I now have Brandon Boyd in front of me and I thought about that boy who kept on standing for hours outside the campus waiting, just to see me ignore him in an instant. I thought of all the bad things I said and of all the actions I did to shove him away but he is still in front of me now, after all those years, after all those embarrasment, after all those strains. 

UNRECIPROCATED

You laid quiet, eyes fixed on the clock
In front of you, I sat and stared
You muttered something inaudible for me
I didn't mind, I wanted to flee
But my heart wants to stay here with you despite the silence
The brimming awkwardness of the night
Like the wall with its hard rock
Your convictions, formidable to block

Will you allow me to read you
Against the noise in your mind
Against the misery in your heart
Against you screaming at me
I didn't mind, I wanted to flee
But my heart wants to stay here with you despite the silence
When you stood and opened the door
Out in this room with its torn wallpaper
Out of my life forever

For another moment in life...
Stood up and chased the shadows
Whichever the hungry darkness ate
Desolate, let it be
I didn't mind, I wanted to flee
But my heart wants to stay here with you despite the silence
And wait for the same puzzled living soul
Lost in his own labyrinth
With the door still wide open
And my whole being out there stolen

Whatever Happened to Men these Days?

Can't help but become affected of what happened to my friend. What a nice day to start the year eh? Whatever happened to men these days? Where have all their sensitivities gone? Whatever happened to consideration of feelings?

Alright, so I have a friend who had a relationship with a guy for 7 years. Yes, indeed, 7 years and everyone knows how long is that. So they broke up. The guy went cold. She considers the fact that she may have done something very bad in the relationship and never stopped herself on asking why. One day, the guy went cold towards her. The kisses and the hugs were not reciprocated at all and she felt something bad is happening. 

To worsen the situation, she hears a lot of rumors about the guy being seen with other girls. Rumors from RANDOM people. So they eventually broke up. She had a worse time moving on, of course. With all the memories of those years since their college lives together. With all her efforts of saving the relationship thrice. And with all other things.

She tried to encourage the guy to focus on his spiritual life instead of business matters. She tried to encourage him to attend the meetings on time. She tried to advise him to handle money responsibly. She tried to tell him about being careful in decision making. Obviously, the guys seems to be very immature.

I don't want to be biased about the situation, with her being my friend, of course. But...it makes me angry. It makes me conclude that men are deceivers. After 7 months of breakup, the guy posted an IN A RELATIONSHIP status in Facebook without being ashamed of himself!!! What happened to his conscience?

I don't want to rant or something. I don't want to meddle over their matters but hey! He must have considered the girls feelings at the first place. He knows how hard it is for the girl to move on just like that. IS IT REALLY POSSIBLE FOR A PERSON IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR 7 YEARS TO MOVE ON FOR 7 MONTHS? Those who will answer yes are totally DUMB and heartless. Those who liked his status are not thinking. Those who are happy with him entering another relationship while not clearing his past are brainless. They are all brainless. I really believe that unless men apply Bible principles, women won't get hurt. But I guess applications are really hard to do, yes?

If it's easy for men than women, well then, it is really a fact that they are HEARTLESS. And I'm pissed.

Should've Tried Harder

Some think that they deserve more
Give a little like it's become a chore
Don't demand things
Or walk yourself out the door

I fell flat on my face too many times
Left with nothing but some cheap perfume
Now you cry, now you need me
Now that perfume's not cheap
But I told you

If you wanted to be my only one
If you wanted to see this happen
Maybe you, you should've tried harder
If you thought I would leap into your arms
Everytime I would see your face
Then maybe you, you should've tried harder

Go on, prove it, I'd love to see you try
Convince me that you gave me the world
I tried and tried but you never opened your eyes
You stand tall like you've won some kind of award
But really I've never seen someone so short look taller
If you gave me some more
But I told you...

If you wanted to be my only one
If you wanted to see this happen
Maybe you, you should've tried harder
If you thought I would leap into your arms
Everytime I would see your face
Then maybe you, you should've tried harder

Some think that they deserve more
Give a little bit



(Written and Performed by Hey Monday)